Light bulb

  

  Since having my "tubes tied" 2 years ago I have been struggling...a lot. I have struggled with self worth and self identity. I have struggled with just about every decision I needed to make in life since then. As if deciding to have no more children and having my "tubes tied" somehow tied a piece of my brain as well. 

 I have been a mom since I was 16 years old. I am now almost 35, having babies and being mommy has always been "ME". So, the baby factory is closed..now what..now who am I??? These are the questions and struggles I have been battling internally for the last 2+ years. Deciding to have no more children is as huge as deciding to have children in my opinion. They are life altering choices. Six children was our max. I love being pregnant, I don't mind labor and delivery, I love babies....then they turn into toddlers, kids, pre teens, teens and adults. It was time to stop financially and mentally. My last 2 pregnancies were not the blissful 9 months every woman dreams of nor were the 3 miscarriages during that 4 years. I wouldn't trade a minute of any of it because it lead me to God and eventually my last 2 girls. 

   I dropped out of high school at 16. It was always my "goal" to have my diploma and a degree before my last "baby" started school. Well, I have about 4 months left in my high school and about the same in my medical billing certificate. I would really like to finish them both before May 23rd when my first baby graduates high school. I have always always wanted to be a psychiatrist. Every since I can remember being asked what I wanted to be that was my choice. I feel sure it had something to do with my not so savory childhood. That requires a BUTT load of student loan debt and some serious dedication. I just can not justify putting our family in that kind of financial debt. We live in small town USA and there are no employment opportunities that can justify that kind of debt. I could travel an hour+ for bigger towns. I am not a driver, I would have 5 children in public school..no it just is not going to happen. SO, now I am no longer making babies, my "dream" job is a bust and my kids are growing up quickly............

  So I flip and flop like a fish out of water for years. I have tried homesteading. I really enjoy it. BUT, I only enjoy it when my husband can be my side doing it with me. I do not like doing it alone. So I focused on finding a job for when the #6 goes to school. After calculating expenses and income in small town USA it was a quickly squashed idea. Our public school likes to take time off. We have a week each school month off and then almost 3 for summer. Those are things that play a serious part in my job abilities. Daycare would eat me alive in the summer (as we have no family or friends to help)

 Bless my husband and his patient heart. I love him. He is my better half. He supports whatever crazy idea I have 100% and then when I find all the reasons its a terrible idea he supports that as well. God gave me him!

  Have you ever hidden something from your kids in a safe spot and then LOST it!? Turn the house upside down looking lost it! That is how I feel about "me". Then one day your kid spills something and your on your hands and knees cleaning up this massive mess and out of the corner of your eye you SEE IT!!! You found it *6monthslater*, that AH HA moment happens and you can now clearly remember why you hid it there are why that spot was just a great hiding place.

.... That is an epiphany and I have had one........

  The light bulb flashed, bells rang and birds chirped. It finally hit me! I am MOM, still, some more, always and forever. I was fighting what I am trying to make myself into who I wanted to be and God had other plans. I would love to go work in an office with grown ups and have adult conversation about clothing and coffee but I have 5 minor children and 1 *ithinkiamgrown* 18yr old who still need me to be mom. 

Every activity I attempt to be apart of has children in it. I went to get my hair cut a couple of weeks ago and both salons had kids in them and both these kids gravitated to me. I am MOM, I need to be the best mom God intended for me to be. That is my job. I had 6 blessings and I owe each of them 18 years. My "time" serving them is not up. I can not figure out who I am or what I want to be simply because I am already me and I am what I need to be. I get it God, loud and clear! 

 I will be finishing up my current schooling and then I will getting my associates in early childhood education and in psychology. Once #6 goes to school I plan to sub at the local school and continue to serve my children till they no longer need their mom. Thank you God for making me me and showing me who I am.