Double D's

Decisions & Definitions

   The decisions we have made in the last 5 years have been life altering.
 We decided to let our home go in order to move to the country, we decided no more babies after 3 miscarriages and 6 kids, we bought a new car, we tried homesteading and may try homeschooling. Hubby changed jobs MANY times. We are trying to be more responsible and practical in our decisions. We cancelled our satellite service, we have decided to get all the children above 4 a tablet this year and we have decided to move AGAIN, some more. Oh, and we hate our new car, so we have to trade it in ASAP! I also closed up my boutique business that I have tinkered with for 4 years.

  The definitions of life are changing, and rapidly.
 I long to be a good mother. Some say if you are a better mother than your own mother you have accomplished that. My definition of a good mother and theirs are not the same...and I am not a good mother. I am trying though. I yell too much, I am short on patience, I am stressed about life and I take it out on them, I tend to put more responsibility on them than a child of their age should have, and sadly I have not present in their moments as much as they need me to be. I AM WORKING ON THIS *another perk to no satellite and the business closing* I want to be that mother that sees every proud moment her child has, even when it is in the middle of cooking dinner. I do not want them to look at me with fear, I want to see me as a compassionate loving mother. I do not want my children to suffer because I have issues. That is not their fault.
 Me, lets talk about me. Wow, I do not even know where to start. I have been a mom/wife since I was 16. We had a 6 year span of infertility but I was always longing to be a mother of more. I worked here and there and enjoyed it. I was young and my priorities were much different then. I then spent the next 9 years having babies and or trying to. October 2011 my last baby was born and I lost myself 6 weeks later when I had a tubal ligation. I have not found me yet. The definition of ME was mom. Now with no more babies the definition of mom is changing as the independence of my children grows. So now I have to find who I am other than mom. This journey is proving to be harder than any other journey I have experienced.