Rainy Randomness

 
Scouts, Church, Children, School  ~ feels like I am spinning my wheels and there is no help in sight....


 It is raining outside and it is cold. (south kinda cold) Hubby is on day 3 of not being home. Church is tonight and I am dreading it. The house is in need a straightening and I need to laundry! BLAH!!!!

Light bulb

  

  Since having my "tubes tied" 2 years ago I have been struggling...a lot. I have struggled with self worth and self identity. I have struggled with just about every decision I needed to make in life since then. As if deciding to have no more children and having my "tubes tied" somehow tied a piece of my brain as well. 

 I have been a mom since I was 16 years old. I am now almost 35, having babies and being mommy has always been "ME". So, the baby factory is closed..now what..now who am I??? These are the questions and struggles I have been battling internally for the last 2+ years. Deciding to have no more children is as huge as deciding to have children in my opinion. They are life altering choices. Six children was our max. I love being pregnant, I don't mind labor and delivery, I love babies....then they turn into toddlers, kids, pre teens, teens and adults. It was time to stop financially and mentally. My last 2 pregnancies were not the blissful 9 months every woman dreams of nor were the 3 miscarriages during that 4 years. I wouldn't trade a minute of any of it because it lead me to God and eventually my last 2 girls. 

   I dropped out of high school at 16. It was always my "goal" to have my diploma and a degree before my last "baby" started school. Well, I have about 4 months left in my high school and about the same in my medical billing certificate. I would really like to finish them both before May 23rd when my first baby graduates high school. I have always always wanted to be a psychiatrist. Every since I can remember being asked what I wanted to be that was my choice. I feel sure it had something to do with my not so savory childhood. That requires a BUTT load of student loan debt and some serious dedication. I just can not justify putting our family in that kind of financial debt. We live in small town USA and there are no employment opportunities that can justify that kind of debt. I could travel an hour+ for bigger towns. I am not a driver, I would have 5 children in public school..no it just is not going to happen. SO, now I am no longer making babies, my "dream" job is a bust and my kids are growing up quickly............

  So I flip and flop like a fish out of water for years. I have tried homesteading. I really enjoy it. BUT, I only enjoy it when my husband can be my side doing it with me. I do not like doing it alone. So I focused on finding a job for when the #6 goes to school. After calculating expenses and income in small town USA it was a quickly squashed idea. Our public school likes to take time off. We have a week each school month off and then almost 3 for summer. Those are things that play a serious part in my job abilities. Daycare would eat me alive in the summer (as we have no family or friends to help)

 Bless my husband and his patient heart. I love him. He is my better half. He supports whatever crazy idea I have 100% and then when I find all the reasons its a terrible idea he supports that as well. God gave me him!

  Have you ever hidden something from your kids in a safe spot and then LOST it!? Turn the house upside down looking lost it! That is how I feel about "me". Then one day your kid spills something and your on your hands and knees cleaning up this massive mess and out of the corner of your eye you SEE IT!!! You found it *6monthslater*, that AH HA moment happens and you can now clearly remember why you hid it there are why that spot was just a great hiding place.

.... That is an epiphany and I have had one........

  The light bulb flashed, bells rang and birds chirped. It finally hit me! I am MOM, still, some more, always and forever. I was fighting what I am trying to make myself into who I wanted to be and God had other plans. I would love to go work in an office with grown ups and have adult conversation about clothing and coffee but I have 5 minor children and 1 *ithinkiamgrown* 18yr old who still need me to be mom. 

Every activity I attempt to be apart of has children in it. I went to get my hair cut a couple of weeks ago and both salons had kids in them and both these kids gravitated to me. I am MOM, I need to be the best mom God intended for me to be. That is my job. I had 6 blessings and I owe each of them 18 years. My "time" serving them is not up. I can not figure out who I am or what I want to be simply because I am already me and I am what I need to be. I get it God, loud and clear! 

 I will be finishing up my current schooling and then I will getting my associates in early childhood education and in psychology. Once #6 goes to school I plan to sub at the local school and continue to serve my children till they no longer need their mom. Thank you God for making me me and showing me who I am. 

Double D's

Decisions & Definitions

   The decisions we have made in the last 5 years have been life altering.
 We decided to let our home go in order to move to the country, we decided no more babies after 3 miscarriages and 6 kids, we bought a new car, we tried homesteading and may try homeschooling. Hubby changed jobs MANY times. We are trying to be more responsible and practical in our decisions. We cancelled our satellite service, we have decided to get all the children above 4 a tablet this year and we have decided to move AGAIN, some more. Oh, and we hate our new car, so we have to trade it in ASAP! I also closed up my boutique business that I have tinkered with for 4 years.

  The definitions of life are changing, and rapidly.
 I long to be a good mother. Some say if you are a better mother than your own mother you have accomplished that. My definition of a good mother and theirs are not the same...and I am not a good mother. I am trying though. I yell too much, I am short on patience, I am stressed about life and I take it out on them, I tend to put more responsibility on them than a child of their age should have, and sadly I have not present in their moments as much as they need me to be. I AM WORKING ON THIS *another perk to no satellite and the business closing* I want to be that mother that sees every proud moment her child has, even when it is in the middle of cooking dinner. I do not want them to look at me with fear, I want to see me as a compassionate loving mother. I do not want my children to suffer because I have issues. That is not their fault.
 Me, lets talk about me. Wow, I do not even know where to start. I have been a mom/wife since I was 16. We had a 6 year span of infertility but I was always longing to be a mother of more. I worked here and there and enjoyed it. I was young and my priorities were much different then. I then spent the next 9 years having babies and or trying to. October 2011 my last baby was born and I lost myself 6 weeks later when I had a tubal ligation. I have not found me yet. The definition of ME was mom. Now with no more babies the definition of mom is changing as the independence of my children grows. So now I have to find who I am other than mom. This journey is proving to be harder than any other journey I have experienced.

Not your traditional happily ever after

  First comes love then comes marriage then comes me pushing a baby carriage at 16! Wait, what?! That's not how that goes? Really? 

 Well, that is my version of it. Yes, 16 pregnant and married that is how my happily ever after began. Met at 11, married at 16, baby at 16(2wks from 17), high school drop outs. I think I just summed up your basic dysfunctional family t.v. sitcom, complete with family drama. Teen pregnancy, teen wedding,  family drama,  fertility issues, 3 miscarriages, finding God and 6 kids later.....

              FAST FORWARD to 2014

  Feb 24,  we will celebrate 18 years of marriage, May 11th our son turns 18, May 23rd he will graduate from high school and June 9th he starts trade school with a 100% scholarship he won. 

 What a wild ride it has been. At the end of the day when the children chaos are asleep and I lay down to reflect on the day..I pray and I see my happily ever after. We may not have come about it the most traditional way but we did find it and we are embracing it. 

 That my friends is how it all began!